To be

To be a mental patient or not to be a mental patient?
That is the question
Whether tiz knowbler to suffer the slings and arrows of the outrageous Community Psychiatric Nurse
Or take refuge from her?
And by taking refuge from her suffer and so perish
That is the question indeed

Pride

It's just my pride that is damaged from having been diagnosed a mental patient I think. In practice I don't really give a dam about it as long as I get enough money to live on and a warm secure place to live. I know I am meant to get all unhappy about the tragic waste of my career and education and everything. But I really could not care any less these days. If the computer programming works out it is all just icing on the cake.

Offshore confidentiality

I was trapped in an offshore world of confidentiality for too long. With the blog I have broken free.

Recovering

It looks like I am recovering. I will not be going tonight but I am thinking of gigging again and beginning to enjoy life.

Seems to be working

Cautious optimism is the word on the programming project. Basically it's working now. Or at least I think it is. It's all a bit brain darining really. And I do not want to tinker with anything now just in case it is working. So I will probably just let the thing run for a few days. In fact it is working. I can tell. I just want to be realistic instead of over optimistic about possible results though. Probably best just to do something else for a few weeks until it really begins to sink in to the invisible web. But I had some bad news today as well. Annuity prices for women are going down in a few weeks because of a recent European Courts of Justice decision. Unfortunately prices are also going up 30% for all males including me so my deal with the accountants might go down 30% unless I can persuade them to get their act together before the judgement is implimented in the UK insurance business. Anyway. The computer programming is coming along well now. It is actually incredibly difficult. Or at least it was very hard to learn for me. The best thing about it though is the actual bottom line cost of writing code.

Yves dropped

Got a call from Yves Raymond today still languishing there in hospital. It makes you feel terrible when you realise you have to leave some people behind you for life. Some people get better some don't I guess. I lost use of a domain name as well today with my slow learning curve. Got a php script working though.

Protortype 2

It turned out Visual Basic was entirely the wrong language to use. Visual Basic cannot really be built into web pages very easily because it is heavilly dependent on all sorts of Windows system operating files.

Work

The reason I have gone back to work is that I basically cannot stand the mental health scene any longer. The work I do is quite easy and satisfying. I can work my own hours and take regular breaks. Puccini was quite a guy.

Tosca

I was listening to an explanation of the story of the Tosca opera followed by the opera itself when during Act II there came to me a thought for some reason of a completely new standard of the whole human spectrum of suffering. I looked it up on the web and it really does exist. It is called mental health respite. Basically it is when they pack you off somewhere because they are sick of "caring" about you. Imagine that. You are having a breakdown anyway. Feeling lonely, scared, vulnerable, and isolated. Then someone comes along and tells you they are sending you off for "respite". Puccini must have been quite a guy.

Music

Countdown to the weekend. Working life is about to draw to a close for over 48 hours. I just hope none of my guitar strings break. Chow for now amigos.

Death and Taxes

Tax issues only ever really become a problem if you have less than 6 years to live. The reason for this is that after you die in some jurisdictions the tax man cannot go back more than 6 years before your actual date of departure. With 7 years or more of life expectancy things can become quite attractive. Different jurisdictions have different limitations though. It always pays to stay alive as long as you possibly can.

Mum & Dad

It's interesting to note looking back that my parents shopped me to Interpol around the same month that they actually sold my office block. They had their reasons I suppose.

Changed my mind

I have decided not to post off my learned society resignation letters after all. They were too hard to get into in the first place and only cost me 10% of my income anyway. A much better way of saving money is simply to fire the accountants.

Interesting

It's interesting how the same day that I have made a decision to post off all the professional society resignation letters I should have at last made the breakthrough on my Visual Basic program. It's bedtime soon. I will be getting up early in the morning to have breakfast and go out and post the letters. It's just a job that has got to be done. Maybe I will buy some milk and weetabix on the way back from the shop as a treat.

My first VB program

Well. I have actually writen my first Visual Basic program now. I examined the interior of my computer with it. Not for the faint hearted. Then I shut it down. Now I am writing this blog. For a chronic mental patient this is all pretty big stuff. It worked. So I am off to have some dinner.

Tenancies

I have got three different tenancies now. The French place, the Church car park, and my flat. It's quite a thought.

Friday Post

Well. I wrote all the professional society resignation letters earlier on in the week and I have decided they will be going out tomorrow on Friday morning before Nurse Alison comes around. It will be a hard thing to do especially considering all the hard years work that went into earning them but you cannot eat bits of paper and certificates. I will need to draw £10 form Lloyds for the postage. I should be back at work by the afternoon after my injection.

The Accountant

Can't really afford to get too far carried away with the spending now that the bank and accountant have savaged my lifetime cash flow. Hence the new business focus on non cost non loss programming shifting the focus from expenditure. The lifetime cashflow position itself is still tragically unfocused around whole life expectancy but I am told by the accountants they are waiting to hear from external sources about applied for whole life financial redesign.

Work Permission

I think the thing to remember is that on the old fashioned benefits under the old system work itself was capped at a ceiling of 50% of your benefit rate. Unlimited work permission under the new benefits system is much better. In fact it is incomparable. Life really is completely different. And it is much better.

Good morning

Just woke up today after a very stressed period of a few days. I think the new car park is going to work out quite well. I have some programming to do which is going to need me to take some tutorials.

Some Code

Thought some of you might want to see some Visual Basic code.

Got lucky

I got lucky today. I was evicted from my car parking space by the neighbour who had let me use his for a while but luckily by that time I had got to the top of the waiting list for the Church car park. The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

Spelling mistakes

Just trying to write something without a spelling mistake like last time. I never was that good at reading really. It's nice more and more stuff is available in video now. It makes learning a lot easier.

Code

My business has shifted. After many years learning the trade of internet marketing and using other peoples systems and programs all the time I have now slowly edged into the field of writing my own programs. It is still very early days but I have already progressed to compiling a "form" that can execute any virtual basic code. The implications are that with a background in standard internet marketing I will now probably soon be able to start automating quite a lot of standard internet marketing tasks. The internet marketing infrastructure of my business has been left safely intact. Financially things have become quite interesting. The houly cost of writing programs is zero. All other things being equal this means that program writing is a non loss non cost activity. There will be a slight learning curve to be negotiated as with any new learning activity but once you realise the whole general focus of the curve will be internet marketing orientated things genuinely begin to begin to look quite attractive.

Accepting Salvation

It looks like the key to it all is learning to accept salvation even though it might not in the first istance seem to be either deserved or to make much sense. With reference to the "case" this would mean accepting the offer and not being greedy. With reference to the rest of life is a far wider issue with many more far reaching consequences but salvation must be learned to be accepted nevertheless. There is no other way.

VB

I am now armed with a free edition of Visual Basic

Vanity

I have now decided to take my institution resignation plans a bit further and resign from every single one of them over the course of this week and ask for my money back for any unused membership time. They became an expensive intellectual addiction that I now can no longer afford or even I think wanted in the first place. I am still left with quite a few other qualifications that I do not have to maintain on a regular basis and following the new philosophy of financial austerity sanity and realism I have realised that they were only items of intellectual vanity in the first place. The letters will all go out this week.

Equitable Life

I think I am meant to make a comment about the lack of compensation to be paid on my Equitable Life pension fund because it was taken out before 1992. My Dad is in a similar position with his Equitable Life pension fund because his was taken out before 1992 as well. As a matter of interest if anyone actually is interested in what I think I think the case highlights all the double standards that have riddled the City for years. There was another ten figure pension fund loss in the City around the same time as the 1992 threshold date when several thousand other pensioners also lost out. Those responsible at Equitable Life for their 10 figure losses were not quiety pushed off their boats on holiday. A good thing too. It's only money.

Shellex

You can use shellex in lots of different languages apparently

ShellExecute

You use ShellExecute in a free version of Visual Basic

A Job

I have decided to note todays money making idea on my blog in the knowlege that only the faithful few who actually read this blog will find out and there is enough scope for all of them to do it too with my full permission.

The trustees

Life is going to be completely different without having to answer to my mothers trustees any more. The last 24 years were complete hell. The previous 10 were pretty bad as well. Now I will get index linked money every month without having to beg. Life is going to be good.

The Standing Patent Law Committe

I am thinking of volunteering to offer my services to the Patent Law Committee this year. Time comes around every year for volunteering in February. Appointments last 3 years. The New York City Bar does not cover the cost of all the lunches though. So I might not join. There is a seperate fund for lunch that I would have to contribute to and I would not be getting any lunch because I live in Jersey. I would just end up subsidizing everyone elses lunch which is something I am not prepared to do.

Broadmoor

My mother belongs in Broadmoor for all that she did about the 34 year fraud. And my father and sister both need professional therapy for life. The board of Barclays Private Bank should go to prison.

"Boogie Street"

"We are back on Boogie Street but nobody has told us what Boogie Street is for"

Fax machine

I have got my fax machine sorted now as well. I found exactly the right cable for it in the charity shop for 99p after paying £2.00 for it in the other charity shop. After loading it up with paper and powering it all on it printed out a paper saying there had been a power failure in June 2001. Looks like it had not been used since that time. 10 years later it is still printing OK though and the phone part of it still works OK. Not quite sure what happens if anyone actually rings up now but nobody ever phones anyway. Everything just happens on computer now. Try sending a fax if you want. You never know. It might just get through.

Sorted

It's nice having got the finance case sorted. It means I can get back on with my music and my job. And my life. The family and the medics got defended. Nobody else came out of it very well I am sorry to say.

The M40

I worked with quite a few guys from the M40 on the A5. Most of them worked with Mc Alpines and were quite nice people. Very rich though. One of the engineers rolled his landrover on the M40 and got killed. I rolled mine on the A5 but survived. The bridges are still there anyway. I drove up there in 2009. Someone nicked my Landrover the day I quit. Must have wanted it I suppose.

Deal

Looks like we reached a deal with the offshore trust money. They are finding 3 different whole life products over the next few weeks then making a choice. It is a blow for freedom and justice though. It looks like offshore crime and money laundering is now the side to be on. Coupled with plenty of confidentiality and saying how compliant with protocol we all are though. But what can a poor old mental patient do other than say yes to all these sorts of people? The judges and law are all on the take as well and nobody out of town has any jusisdiction.

But I am no vigilante and I am not seeking divine retribution. They give me a few K every year index linked and everything gets swept under the carpet as usual. Rock on Dirty Harry. He might never as well have been born.

Cup size

I expect to have grown at least AA cup sized tits by the summer now. Shemale transition is a strange affair. Actions speak louder than words though so I am not going to go telling everybody. I am now intending to just let them work it out for themselves. As I grow less and less flat chested people are bound to start talking. Especially in such a small town like this. But I have decided to just let them talk. My eventual cup size after the next 3 years of lotions and potions is open to speculation. But I would be happy with DD.

The Dream Comes Alive

The time is coming for me to take to the road again. A new driving holiday beckons. But I have learned from the last one this time. Things I need to take include. A mobile phone and charger. A laptop computer. A mobile wifi to pick up the web from remote places. My 3 pin 240 volt 150watt smoking socket 12 volt ac/dc transformer ( that is the one that saves your life ). A few litres of water. Bog rolls. Petrol money. A better international breakdown pick up service than last time. A bible. A credit card, a book, and a guitar.

The car has been completely rebuilt since my last adventure.
It even has some new tyres.
And some tax.

There is something a bit different about driving a 3.9 litre V8.
Its difficult to quite describe appropriately.

You move from town to town in it.
And each new town you arrive in you really do get noticed.

Vive La France.

My new financial plan

I have decided to resign from all of my professional institutes apart from two. This is because of a need to save costs. I do not read many of the magazines anyway so they are really a complete waste of money. I am probably going to stay in my three trade unions though. I have good memories of my working life.

Does anyone really care?

The answer is very few people. Maybe my mothers lawyer and her banker. My nurse, Maybe my Doctor. Perhaps my sister. My father. My boss. My friends. The guys in the band. And the orchestra. Apart from that life is just tough. I got ripped off by my Mum for 34 years. I just have to get over it.

Broken

I am a broken spirit now. After 34 years I am just a burned out shell. But I will grow strong again. And well again. I have to.

My mother

My mother is an evil witch who does not deserve to walk the grounds of this earth. She has bullied me and dominated me and controlled me all of my life. I am now too old to enjoy what is left of my life. Her money launderers are even worse. They starved me and controlled me all of my life. Now I am allmost 50. I have never found out what freedom is. I am a broken man.

Sick

I am completely sick of everyone I know. All they have ever done is lock me up and control me. Money was the reason they did it. All because my mother stole from me when I was a kid.

Upstaged

I have been upstaged by my mother all of my life. She felt she had to stay in control of the cash. My whole life has been spent in her shadow. I was never alowed to think for myself. Ever since the money came I have been seeing a psychiatrist. She has always stayed in control. 34 years. My life was wasted by her.

Restitution

They are giving it back now. The funds that have been missing for 34 years. They are buying me an index linked pension with them. The news has not really sunk in yet. 34 years without is a long time.

No Help

The feeling there is nobody to help me out anymore is growing more intense as days go by. Responsibility and independance are words that spring to mind. Also solitude, lonelyness, and a feeling of being alone.

Another Post

There is nobody around to sort things out any more. If anything goes wrong with my life now I am on my own. What I have to do is get rid of the French place. It could prove to be a real expense. Then I have to streamline and simplify my life. I have to make some savings. And I have to do more work. I am on my own now. My parents will not talk to me. I have to get things sorted out.

Another Post

Found out it is easier than I thought to sell the French place. Also got some good news from the accountant about hopefully sorting out an annuity. I got my teeth cleaned and also passed my check up at the dentist. I even found out that I am in demand as a cello player. Also I got one of my tracks listened to by a BBC producer.

Second Post

Thank goodness that I have found this blogging platform. I was locked into a secret offshore confidential world of coded email addresses and secret job titles. Now I can be open and free again. I can even tell people about my shemale transition progress. I can tell them about my hospitalisation in the psychiatric hospital. And all I have been through. And my music. And my job. And my flat.

Happy

I am really happy with this free blog from google. And I am not just saying that to get google juice. The fact is I have been sending people confidential emails for about a year. And I have almost got trapped into an email prison of my own design. With this blog I can carry on communicating to everybody. But it will be out in the open in the safety of cyber space. I hope I can just remember the name of my blog and how to get back here.