Tina is dying

Tina is dying. One of my friends from the mental hospital. She was going out with Ray one of my ex boyfriends. Ray is very upset. She has got about 24 / 48 hours is on morphine with an oxygen mask. She is one of only a handful of people I have ever known who will have died of non suicide causes. It is a new emotion for me to learn how to deal with. Ray and Tina were given a blessing by the hospital chaplain.

Programming

Its getting to the stage these days when you really just program in whatever income you want with these machines. It makes the wealth gap and the credit crisis seem very distant. But just on the other side of the glass of the windows of my centrally heated flat are where people are starving and dying in the streets. And I think it was not that long ago since I was eating my last banana out there myself on the run from the banks in Europe with no petrol, no money, no hope, and nowhere to go. It makes you think sometimes.

Programming

I am really happy I made the switch into programming and internet marketing. When things don't work out all you have lost is a bit of time. The programming languages are free to learn and use. It means your learning curve mistakes cost you nothing which is different to other industries.

The pressure is off

I was fighting time there for a bit. Now I just do some more work every day until things work out. Relief is the word for it all.

Project 1 Protortype 3

Project 1 Protortype 3 has yielded some knowledge that could prove quite usefull over the next few weeks. Of itself Project 1 Prortype 3 proved itself successfull beyond any known capacity previously known to mankind. The knowlege that it yielded has taught me a fundamental pricipal that I can now attempt to put to good use. Whether I am now able to put this hard won knowledge to fruitfull use is to a large degree now my next obstacle in business. That will be dealt with in Project 4 Protortype 1 which will be synonymous with Project 1 Protortype 4. So Project 1 Protortype 3 did its job basically. It discovered something. Now its down to me. If I can put the new discovery to good use maybe I will be able to make enough to fund my mum's much needed new kneee operation. And my dads much needed residence in a drying out clinic. Only time will tell. But a labour of love is a labour of love.

Forgotten something

Have you ever got the feeling you have forgotten something but you have forgotten what it is? It is a completely sickening feeling. You know it was goddammed important. You just can't remember.

Project 1 Protortype 3

Project 1 Protortype 3 = achieved but now more understood to be in a partial kind of way. Some more work can now be done in questionable areas to boost the prospects of this endeavour.

Court

I have got to get those Court papers done by Monday 9.30am. Its a real drag. But I have got to learn to stick up for myself now. It might not be a bad thing for the world at large to find out how Barclays treats disabled Jewish foreigners like me anyhow. I bought 10 extra bic biros for it. I have spare computer ink. I just checked.

An inside straight

It's probably never really worth drawing to an inside straight I have decided. There is always another table somewhere. Another game. Another town.

Project 1 Protortype 3

Project 1 Protortype 3 = achieved

the bill

the bill was a stress induced regressive experience. end of story.

Dry Goods Floor Food

Went shopping today and bought some more long shelf life food. Dry goods floor really. Cans,  packets, jars, and bottles. I have got a few eggs and onions to eat up but after that I can probably live on the cupboard food for quite a long time. It was heavy carrying it all back but worth it. I buy the special offers. 2 for 1 and buy one get one free. That kind of stuff. All the special offers have a big red sign on them anyway so you can't miss them. The dry goods floor food I am accumulating helps me feel secure and safe. I will probably just be focusing on building up my cupboads now.

Bob Dylan

"you are the reason I have been struggling on

don't think twice it's allright."

Barclays Private Bank

Their own power will eventually completely consume them. Forget all about them.

My mother

My mother had her hooks in deep to my money from an early age. Now she is planning to inherit as much as possible from my Dad by excluding me from the family. I am glad I have a job.

Project 3 Protortype 1

Had my idea for Project 3 Protortype 1 today. I am not really quite sure about this one because it is going to cost £10.00 to test it out. But I should, in theory, be able to get the trials done by the end of the week if I can build it in time.

Gigged

I played the Halfpenny Bridge bar in Jersey tonight. Got recorded by a home recording enthusiast as well. Got a taxi home. Wanted to be careful of the guitar. Bob Dylan was on the radio. Got chatting.

No milk, no bread, no beer

The new austerity diet. ( it is meant to bring my cholesterol down actually but still ).

Shopping

My relationship with my local "shop" has drawn to a close. Now that I do not buy any milk or bread or beer on the advice of the dietician I am free to go to the co-op supermarket instead. I only need to shop once or twice a week now. In pursuit of austerity things should work out cheaper. And I can still get my frozen veg at the co-op. I have just been. It costs a bit more. But I can still get it.

project failure

Project 2 protortypes 4 and 5 have both failed to achieve required servicability operating standards. Project 3 protortype 1 will commence in a few days.

A few days

I now have nothing to do for a few days but work on my programming and record a 24 bit wav file song. I was praying for this really. A few years of good productive life before my parents got too old to remember who I was. I am now back at the trade I was practicing at 13 before I left London.

Got myself analysed

Blues ballads...........................................that's my genre..........................they said so.

Sponge

When the money runs out I will just have to start to sponge off my mum and dad. There is no other way. Anyway its a long way off yet and I might make some money at programming or music. At least I am getting to work in my old trade again. I did start working at it at 13 after all.

Disco Remix

They are thinking about maybe mixing and mastering one of my songs into a sort of techno house Ibiza club chillout. This is real by the way. I am not making this up.

Protortype 5

Basically I have been writing code all day. Very very simple snippets of code and Project 2 Protortype 5 is well under way. I see huge sums on the horizon. My family will never want.

Project 2 Protortype 4

Project 2 Protortype 4 looks like it is looking good. I know I go on about it a lot but when it starts buying everyone cars and houses you should begin to see the light. I got some interest from a song promoter about my songs.

My job

I am really just getting very heavily into my job these days. I have found that it has led to good things. Last week I spent the whole week indoors working on the computer apart from rock on Wednesday. I really do feel a lot better for it. I am now confident about making money at it. And confident it will be quite soon.

Bang

It was bettter to go out with a bang rather than a whimper.

I Got Another Song Done

today which I feel quite glad about. My depression seems to be clearing up now that I realise all the bad things I have done were caused by others having gained financial power over me all my life. But I think that it is getting a bit late to change things. I am set in my ways now. I have never had much money. I am almost 50. And I want things to stay the same. I hope my Dad does not feel suicidal anymore. It was almost too much for me to bear when he said he wanted my permission. I think it was just his natural guilt though. Too many offshore deals with the Kevin L mob.

My Music Page

Here is a link to my song page. They are all free. Have a listen. Leave a comment in comments box if you have to. http://www.291505.com/help.htm    

Judgement Day

The good news is Christ had got to come back AND the dead must be resurected BEFORE the last final day of Judgement by God. So because neither of these things have happened yet we still have time to seek repentance and try and mend our ways before the dreaded day.

The Army

I feel bad about having got rejected from the army but not that bad. Aparently I was deferred anyway.

All that is left to do now

is sort out some sort of regular money spinner on the web and everything will be sorted. I will be able to live well, look after my family in their old age, and buy some medical treatment for my 3 big mental illnesses. Just a matter of perservering with the job and eventually everything should work out. That's the plan anyway.

Another lossless day

Aother lossless day. Have even cancelled my last subscription. Every days work costs me the big zeros now. Feel much better about life. Got a pie cooking for tea. Project 2 Protortype 4 is still undegoing sea trials.

My Voice

My voice to the outside world on this blog is keeping me going. I just installed a script on my website today. It took a long time but now seems to be working. Working and music are all I have got now. I bought some nylon strings today. You have to be carefull putting them on and three of the bridge nut slots need widening but apparently apart from that it should be OK.

The Holiday Inn

Nothing will be said about the time I had to sleep with my father at the Holiday Inn in Belsize Park just around the corner from my sister's.

Breaking Out

Breaking out of the confidential offshore world that I had become a prisoner of was complete hell. But with the help of this free blog from Google I think I can now do it.

My Parents

When you find out your own mother has been ripping you off since you were 15 you can get a bit down. Especially when you find out your own father was approving everything by signing off her tax returns. But when Daddy works for a billionaire things are different. Police and judges really do get bribed. Private doctors at private psychiatric hospitals really do get paid off as well. And people places and things get quietly forgotten about. Like me.

Just had an idea

How about fitting nylon strings to the electric guitars? Not the ones with the normal pick ups. But the ones with the bridge pick ups?

The voice of reason

Playing electric guitar is painfull because it hurts my fingers. Playing classical guitar is not. You can even get classical guitars fitted with electric bridge pickups. I must have been mad. Thanks for the tip Rick. Your hands must be made of iron.

Money worries

If my money runs out before my parents die I will just have to ask them for an advanced inheritance. That is my only realistic course of action now.

Life is not so bad

Life is not so bad after all. As long as you are carefull not to give away your friends it works out.

My new chat room

http://mental-patient.com

Dear Diary

I think the best basic trick in life is allways to keep someone to talk to and trust and confide in. That is why I keep this weblog really. So at least I have a voice out of the wilderness. Today was quite a day. After deciding to go out to another caf for a coffee ( I went a bit wrong with events in the other caf yesterday ) I noticed an open door at the Salvation Army so went through it. I was immediately in another world. A man covered in tatoos was painting out the hallway blocking the stairs and immediately asked me who I was and what I wanted. Thinking quick I explained that my life was good but that I wanted to know where to get a free meal if times got hard. I must have said the right thing or maybe it was my long hair. But anyway. I was led out on the street and down a nearby alley and into a courtyard with an open door, a girl chatting to a guy, and an introduction of "this is Jim" or something like that. An hour later I got hope with one remaining ambition in life never to let myself end up at the shelter. The girl and guy I met were charming. She had picked up a 3g/day habbit ( heroin ) while working for a merchant bank called Warburgs and he ( very kind ) was running the Sally Army. Really nice people who let me in on where to get free grub and help if things went wrong and more important how to do it right but it left me with that new ambition of mine. Stay out of the shelter. So I got home. Opened the post. Read my email. And I am now even doubly resolute about my business and programming and internet marketing. I think I have just about enough time and money to make this business work. I had a glimpse into the abyss today. A peek over the precipice. I found my boundaries in life beyond which I do not want to journey. I live on my family and the states now. I am rebulding my business life on the right side of the law. And I accept medication. I am back home now. Working away again on the web. Writing my weblog. That is more than enough for me.

Some Evidence

Today is the day

An Explanation

What has and is been happening is quite simple is you can just open your mind to new ideas and suspend disbelief for a few minutes. What has happened is that "other" people have assumed comtrol and have been running my 6 figure estate for many decades. And if you control a man's money you control his mind. The trouble is that they do not know and never knew what they were doing. It's a bit like if you go out and steal an ultra high performance sports car. You might know where the steering wheel and the pedal are but the chances are there are lots of very high specification features and controls and security that you do not know how to operate. So you become a liability to the world in general. It's not the fault of the car. It is the fault of the thieves. Now I am not saying that I am a car, or that I have been stolen, or that I am dangerous or anything because I am not. But what I am saying is that with "other" people having been running my financial life for 34 years an irreversible series of events has been processed which is now completely impossible to stop. They just did not know what they were doing so they made me do lots of bad things. I feel terrible about the life I have led. Partly because they like to use guilt to control me. But also because people who should not really have been in control of me have been in control of all of my financial life for the last 34 years.

The End of the Beginning

In the immortal words of Winston Churchill we have at last reached the "end of the beginning". Because the lawyers firm doing the legal aid scheme here in Jersey has now changed I have begun to become free to apply for legal aid. The old law firm was implicated in the case. So I now have no excuses for any unreasonable behaviour. I have access to legal representation that I can afford for the first time. It was a long road. And we built it.

The best of all plans

I think the best plan, despite being incommunicado with most of them at the moment, is to stand loyal to family and the medics and to just let everyone else go to the wall (street). Valentine's Day is coming around again and it is, after all, not that long ago since that fearsome day in Chicago between the wars.

The inheriting game

In view of the fact that the last inheritance I was written in for cost me the best years of my life I am sadly of the mind now that none of the other possible questionable inheritances being "promised" over the next few years are really worth stressing out over.

Lunch

I am not going to be able to have my Friday lunch at the caf this week because of my injection so I am going to go off now and have my Friday lunch today.

The Jersey Financial Services Commission

"4.3 Ordinarily, the Commission will not investigate complaints that relate solely to the cost or quality of banking services, commercial decisions of banks or investment performance, or the fee charging scales of registered persons."     A direct quote from the JFSC guidance document.

Abuse

I think it is important to seperate the two forms of abuse that I have suffered over the years with relation to my finances. The first form of abuse was from my family with their direct separation of me from my cash. The second form of abuse was from the financial community the assets were invested in over the years. I think it is very important to divide these two areas of abuse to fully understand what has been going on for the last 34 years.

Barclays Private Bank

The story of my family and Barclays Private Bank is sadly now beginning to remind me of the plot of an old play called Dr Faustus. For those people who understand all the various behind the scenes deals that went on over the years after reading the plot of the play and swapping a few names around it it tragically inevitable what is bound to eventually happen.

Hartlypool United FC

A very great deal can be learned from Hartlypool United Football Club up North in the UK. I can say no more. Enough to hint at the fact that in the 1970s (when I was a lad etc) they had to release a pop song as a squad because they got so poor. 40 years later they are thriving. They have their own website. They have kept ownership of their own grounds. They are still in the league. Or the "Barclays" league as it is now known. And therefore that means they must still win the occasional game. You can learn a lot from Hartlypool United Football Club.

An "isu"

From my reading I understand that I have now become what is technically termed an "income support unit". Makes you feel like someone in the military really. Still. An "income support unit" is technically what I have now become.

Got used to it again

I got used to being a pedestrian today. My big toe started hurting a bit but it got better after a few hours. The street is just like it always was. But better. The Bill are having a clean up campaign to take out the violent drunks at night. Leaves things a lot cooler for the rest of us. The long term plan is to just stop using the cars and the French place. Then after a few weeks if I get used to street life again just do a deal with a good businessman to take them off my hands in return for the contents being shipped back to me here in Jersey plus maybe a bit of cash. End of story.

Another lossless day

Another lossless day. It's great this. I work away with the possibility of earning huge cash without actually losing any. Every extra hours work costs me the big zeros. Zilch. Nothing. Sweet FA.

Ignorance is Bliss

What I don't know isn't going to hurt me. End of story.

1980 itself

My first brush with the law was actually in 1980 when my parents turned me in to Interpol just before I went to Bristol University to read Nuclear Physics.

Pedestrianisation

I am going to start going back to being a full pedestrian now in preparation for the time when I will be forced to sell the two cars and the French place. It's going to be much easier for me if I just get used to it all now rather than waiting for the sale.

"He who pays the piper"

I think my own life since I was 15 has really been a case of "he who pays the piper calls the tune". With my funds having fallen into the offshore possession of my family ever since that time I have subconciously been compromised into living out my familes wishes and fantasies rather than my own. This includes basically the vast majority of the things I have been subconsciously forced to do for the last 34 years. Because the funds fell into their possession they have been able to manipulate everything I have ever done all of my life ever since. With the possible impending return of what is now left of my funds (about 10%) it will be a great challenge for me to have to learn to think and act for myself without my family remaining in possession of my thoughts. I will be free. But at the age of almost 50 freedom is still an unknown asset to me.

Joe

It turns out my mother is called Joe and not Ursula as I had first thought. Ursula is only her middle name.

The 1970s

Here is a link to the estate. As you can see I only got to read my copy of the will in 2009. http://291505.com/Paula.pdf

Jersey

What actually happened was my estate actually got highjacked in the 1970s when I was 15. I never saw it ever again until 2009 when I got a copy of the will read to me by a medic in an offshore mental hospital.

Another successful day

A lossless day again. I am beginning to like this programming and internet marketing. All my costs are now fixed. Work itself costs me zero from now on. Considering what some people can and do make on the web that is a very comfortable feeling. I have found that my work in itself leads to good things even if it makes no money. It actualy creates time and calmness. Got to get on with my life now. I have got a cupboard full of pasta and noodles waiting for me.

Protortype 4

Project 2 Protortype 4 is built, up and running, and ready to roll.

Brilliant news

Apparently if I want to change trust companies I just write to the FSC. My faith in the law is restored. Hark the herald angels sing.

The Fund

The fund is making just about enough to pay for most of the management fees now. With a gross yield of 12 and management fees at 10 or 15 things are beginning to look quite interesting.

Music glasses

Its now all about getting some glasses made up for reading music.

Concert time

Guess who is playing in the Jersey Symphony Orchestra Easter Concert then?

Kevin

Mr XYZ got hooked on Kevin's booze. Then Kevin spent all of his money buying up more clubs Then Kevin sold Mr XYZ some more booze. That was how Mr XYZ got hooked.

Protortype 3

Project 2 Protortype 3 is completed. However since completing it I have concluded it is basically 75% commercially useless. A lot of ground was gained in learning this. Protortype 4 will follow on in due course.

The Working Day is Over

The working day has drawn to a close now and I have had my dinner. But for some work can never stop. A committment is a committment. And an engineer is what I now am. It does not stop at midnight and I do not have to leave the ball. 247 means 247. I will probably get Project 2 Protortype 3 finished by this time tomorrow though. It's just another long hard slog till I get it done.

Protortype 3

Project 2 Protortype 3 looks possible. But it could take some time and some serious learning.

Protortype 2

Project 2 Protortype 2 is now up an running and fully functional. A bit like Project 1 though its actual profitable use with specific reference to business is currently open to question but that being said it is fully functional adjustable and compliant and does its job very well.

A reasonable day

It has been a very reasonable days work. Keeping a weblog all about it is I think extremely important. I finished writing my second computer program. Very simple code. Deceptively simple in fact. And protortype 1 appears to be working with limited functionality very well. Building protortype 2 with full functionality is quite likely going to be possible.

Fridays

I have decided to only have lunch in the caf on friday this week. All other lunches will from now on be spent here in my home office. It is partly I admit a self imposed austerity drive. I can pay for a whole weeks worth of home office lunches by skipping one cafe lunch. But there are also other reasons.

I have got a job

Despite all my problems and setbacks the great relief of it all really is the fact that I have got a job on the right side of the law in a good country with an unlimited upside potential. In theory in a years time I really could be making the kind of money that would make my present problems seem trivial.

Appetite for love

Starting to feel hungry again a bit more now and beginning to eat a bit more. I have been feeling bad for months now but things are picking up again.

A load of old bollocks

At the end of the day it does not really matter about whether any of my legal complaints were valid or not. They got me out of long term psychiatric residential invalid care and that it all that really matters.

9 tracks

It's only a 9 track 35 minute album now but it's all good stuff. High quality recording as well. None of your fade in fade outs. Just good high quality sound. Can't wait to give a whole load away now.

The album

The album is quite good. There is no point trying to act out false modesty. One track has got lost in the recording system at 1% volume so will need cancelling but I think it was just a take 1 of another track. All in all I am quite pleased. I will be baking a steak pie tonight. And maybe having some garlic and chillies to celebrate.

My First CD

All the best things happen by accident don't they? That's right Tess. Anyway I have now produced and am in the middle of listening to for the first time my 11 track CD that I thought I would never be able to produce. It's playing now on the hi-fi in the other room. I think it is best listened to from another room really. It saves it being too in your face and gives you a chance to compute in another room. If it only gets listened to by 5 or 10 close friends it will still be worthwhile. I think if I like the album I will make up some extra copies and give them away.

Rupert

It was all about getting dumped by an aristocrat called Rupert in Autumn 1982 really. He just went back off to his private university and left me all on my own here in Jersey. I was just his bit of rough trade I suppose. I am glad he moved on. Its a nicer place without him.

It's OK.

I got it back now.

The fretless

Basically I think I have figured out why I have got so strung out by the cars. The reason is that I left the fretless in the back of the Lexus so I cannot stop thinking about it. I think I had better go and get it.

My life is being used up by others

I think I am now having a bit too much of my time wasted by people who are making quite a bit out of just using up what is left of my life. Other people seem to be just getting paid for using up my time. I am glad I did not have to live with my Dad much after the age of 13. It was a shame I ever went back home after admitting defeat at Bristol University. Looking back I would have probably been much happier just signing on and living on the streets.

Car problems

I think I have isolated my financial problems. I have somehow managed to aquire an expensive to run high class car too big for its expensive car park and also an unreliable old banger that is too big for my other car park which is paid for but is regettably very tight. The answer might be to sell both cars and cancel the costing car park then either just magage without a car or buy something really compact and economical. I only need a car to transport my cello really. As long as it fits in the front seat I should be able to buy something quite small like maybe one of those Smart cars the estate agents use.

8 countries

People from 8 different countries read this blog now. It really makes it quite a privillege to write it.

Work

I am making some real progress at work. Such progress that I am now beginning to unwind a bit but still. That is possibly for the best. It's worth learning a bit of PHP and Java if you already use a bit of HTML. Cheers.

il-7

I bought up quite a few of the big il-7 domain names when the news broke. I am not quite exactly sure what is going to happen now.

The Lexus

I might be able to take the Lexus back to the place I bought it from. That would be cool. I would save a heck of a lot on monthly bills. I know I would drop a bit on the prices. But I know I will never end up a car trader. I am just no good at it. I found that out when I had that business interview with Mr Mirza up in Harborne. I know he was a degreed lawyer and engineer but I just did not have the aptitude. I wonder what he is doing now. If you are reading this Mr Mirza thanks for the interview. I hope you found what you wanted in the end.

Cuts

Might have found a buyer for the Lexus. He is calling back tomorrow after looking at a couple of Jags. That should leave me with the BM on private land and a lot less in bills.

The car

Now all I need is some safe private land somewhere to leave the Lexus while I cancel the bills on it for a few years until I get myself back together and I should be OK.

All aboard

The Poole Organisation is now beginning to take people on board on a commission only basis.

il-7?

il-7?

It's worth a try

Got a new programming idea allready. It's not a sure fire cast steel certainty by any stretch of the imagination. But I think it might work so it is worth programming it all up.

It's a done deal

I have concluded much like my past prospective employment agents that I am just not the kind of person suited whatsoever to any of these high pressure high finance offshore deals. It is all sorted now. And things can now revert to the slow and simple pace of life before I got my sisters phone call. But I now know beyond all doubt that high finance is just not my bag in life. I am going back to the computer programming and internet marketing now. Cheers.

My mother's abusive behaviour

I think that the secret to understanding why my mother is so abusive is to realise that she was abused herself as a child before ww2 by the government regime in Germany. It took a whole generation for all of the abuse she suffered to surface from her personality but she expessed this abuse by abusing her children and everyone around her. She was an awful mother. All my childhood friends all said without exception that she was horrible. And she drove my father to drink after stealing the inheritance of her children. But there was at least a psychological reason for her behaviour. She had been abused herself by society in general in Germany when she was a child. Shallom.

A good learning curve

Well. I wrote the computer program and got it all going but it did not work. The plot failed. The actual computer program got written and functioned and did what it was meant to and everything. Just the basic business philosophy behind the actual design did not work out. A bit like building a bridge in the wrong place. Nice little computer program. Just completely useless. Got to work with Java, HTML, PHP, Basic, Visual basic, and read a bit about Python though. Very interesting really. I think I will write another few prorgams to do other things. Something will work out eventually.

My cold hard slab of polished steel

I have begun to get bored. And that is good. For years I have been so desperately mentally ill that I have been actively wanting to get to know the feeling of getting bored again. And now mercifully I am beginning to feel that way again. Daytime and work and the investments and the trust continues to be complete hell. It is slowly driving me mad and could put me in hospital. But just now I got to feel bored in the first time I can remember and it felt absolutely fantastic. Better that sex. Better than music. Better than religion. It was like coming up very slowly and very gently to a large slab of cold steel. A bit like something out of 2001. A huge cold steel slab privately and in the middle of nowhere. You could touch it. You could lick it. You could take your clothes off and even rub yourself up against it. But that cold slab of polished steel was all there was. It was not going to hurt you. However you caressed it it did not mind. If you even had sex with it it would not object. It was my cold hard slab of polished steel. It was permanent. It would always be there for me. And it still is. Thanks Joey.

Meeting someone you do not like

Met this guy who had lost his job today. Then they shut down his sheltered employment. Then his dog died. Getting on a bit. He will probably never work again. But the funny thing was that after a while I stopped feeling sorry for him and realised I did not like him. He was just trying to manipulate my feelings. Where he went wrong though was calling a homosexual a "poof" and saying that he was going to spent £700 on a new German Shepard dog. It was then that I realised I did not have to feel sorry for this guy and all caring and loving and understanding and compasionate. I was free to just spill the beans about him without giving his name anonymously to my blog and forget all about him. For me it was a great learning experience. For the first time in my life I have been able to go through the usual process of getting to know someone who I did not like. Then deciding that he was a tosser and that I do not want to spend any more time with him. Then openly confessing to the world that I do not want to get to know him any bettter or have anything more to do with him. It is truly a very liberating feeling. I will probably never have much more to do with him ever again.

Drink

It's nice not having to live abroad anymore. Apart from Funland disappearing nothing much has really changed.

Cello repossession

It was when my mother repossessed and sold my cello in the 1990s when I first got suspicious.

Action sanction mandate 31

If you ever are unlucky enough to start "hearing voices" that you think might not really be there remember to type them all into a good search engine on the web to find out what they mean. I have done this myself and found it to be a great source of comfort and help. There are also quite a few "voice hearing" networks you can join although they are by their very nature slightly disorganised.

The best advice you will ever have

• Exercise. Lift your mood with some aerobic exercise or weight lifting or some other physical activity since doing so boosts your body’s natural mood regulating chemicals. You’ll produce more endorphins and raise your levels of your brain’s natural antidepressants: norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine.
• Get enough sleep. This totally works for me. I found that once I’ve caught up with my sleep, I feel tremendously better. We all function better, think clearer, feel more refreshed and less stressed once we get into the habit of getting enough sleep.
• Watch the alcohol and say no to drugs. I think this is self-explanatory.
• Practice deep breathing to reduce your tension and stress levels. This will release more oxygen into your system along with those endorphins and help you relax.
• Keep to a routine.
• Don’t push yourself too hard or get stressed out.
• Take care of yourself if you get sick. Please, please get better before showing up to work. This way you should feel better faster, and your coworkers will thank you.
• Try to have fun. Maintain some social contact and don’t isolate yourself if you can help it. Get connected or reconnected: feeling lonely can trigger the mood swings!
• Get some light. If you are affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D. refers to having the symptoms of depression tied to the seasons), step into natural sunlight as much as you can. But it sure doesn’t help when you face blizzards and extreme temperatures for weeks on end.
• Maintain good eating habits. Unfortunately, you may now be facing the consequences of having eaten too much high-caloric food over the holidays. Feeling a little puffier and heavier can be depressing I know! But you can make it up by reviewing your eating habits. Start the day off with a good breakfast and eat the right kind of foods on the right schedule. Why not try these foods to feel better.
• Take your vitamins. You want to maintain “balance” in your system and there are elements in a multi-vitamin that can help, including selenium and antioxidants.
• Schedule your breaks and vacations for the dead of winter and go somewhere warm and sunnier this time of year. Instead of taking all your vacation days in the summer months, why not reserve some in January or February? Then fly to Hawaii, or the tropics somewhere, or South America. Plus, you’ll probably get much better rates since you’re traveling off-season!
• Don’t overspend on the holidays. Budget your money carefully

Just in case

Just in case I actually do go missing or have another "accident" or get locked up again here are the ids of a few of the trustees at Barclays Wealth and Equinox in Jersey who have so far been the only people to gain out of the tragic series of events of the last few years.

Barclays Wealth

Leslie Cunliffe
Alex Clark Hutchison
Alexander Fearn
Simon Finch
Christopher Dorey
David Evans
Pauline Norris
Gavin Paisley
Dominic Pallot
Rory Winchester
Dorothy Le Cornu
Guarin Clayton

Equinox

Aynslie Le Brun
Grant McGregor
Tony Quinn
Clive Tomes

Hate Crimes

It's when they take the piss out of you for something you have not got or have not done that things can get really allmost too awfull to bear. Like they used to take the piss out of me for being rich. Everyone. Staff. Students. Patients. Police. Neighbours. Gangs. Kids. Yobs. The list goes on and on. The fact is I have spent most of my life very hard up but I got ripped off millions when I was 15 and the people responsible told everyone I was rich years later. I have been bullied all my life one way or another though. First my Mum. Then the bank. Now the accountants. You get used to it after a while. I now realise that G-d just simply does not like me. I believe in Him and believe he exists and everything. And He obviously likes some people. It's just that He does not like me. There is no other sane conclusion to draw.

Victim no more

The accountant here is beginning to make me feel like a hate crime victim. They charge 5 figures a year to pay me 1500 a month. Then they go on to all my friends about me making "unsubstantiated statements" when I complain about the money having been owing for 34 years. A lot of people in their business have just picked up where the SS left off I think.

Sanity on the mend now

This blog has quite literally saved my sanity. Now I can get word out to the free world about all of these deplorable offshore confidential relationships that I was accidentally seduced into I think I at least have hope of being able to rebuild my life. I know people go on and on about how Google has got too powerfull and everything but it's hats off to them for supplying this free blogger platform. Thanks.

The "call"

The accountant is "waiting for a call" from someone else now. The actual levels of inactivity are almost completely staggering. Watching paint dry out completely would be harder work. Meanwhile they continue to bill me 380ph so they can wait for the call. Even my mother would not have been vindictive enough to make an investment for me like this on purpose. My conclusion is that we all as a family got had. Thank goodness it was only me that went to the wall as a result. Not much consolation I know but I think everyone else survived financially in tact. You are considered paranoid when you suspect people are out to get you. When you actually have been got, so to speak, things begin to appear rather different. It is no longer a case of people trying to persuade you that you are paranoid as a sales trick to get you to use medication they all get free timeshares to supply you with. It is a genuine case of actually having been got by the people who you thought were out to get you in the first place. That is why everything here is really beginning to suck now.

The program

The program is down on the testing bench now and will take a few days to sort itself out. I have discovered that experimental program writing is in fact much more enjoyable than trying to deal advertising because buying and selling anything can go wrong sometimes and lose your cash but writing programs just costs you time. When operating on an ultra low budget having been wiped out by launderymen it makes a real difference knowing your inevitable learning curve mistakes are not going to cost you when they happen.

Equinox

I got a reply from the accountants at last. It was a bit snotty. And it was a bit defensive. But they say they are at least intending to reply "under seperate cover" to my queries about when would be a good time to buy annuities or annuity based products in light of the recent European Courts of Justice decision about gender bias in the insurance business.

Failure Arrives

I have now failed the electric cool aid acid test irrevokably. I know it. I am off to have some dinner.

Gut Instincts

You can only really follow your own gut instincts in life. Nobody elses. For years I did not understand why the Doctors and Nurses wanted to keep my family together and make sure that I inherited something from my Mum & Dad. It seemed really odd. Even slightly perverse and immoral. Then today I realised why. Being diagnosed a mental patient is a traumatic event and leads to a life of great suffering. Family, friends, and society often turn their back on you completely. Often, and such things have happened in my life, you are simply abandoned and left for dead in a hospital. But tonight I had a vision. What is it like to lead that kind of abandoned, hopeless, and desolate life and then at the moment of the death of you father or mother find out from their probate lawyer that despite being multi millionaires they have left you nothing in their wills? After a life of suffering how completely desolate would that make you feel? That is what the Doctors and nurses were trying to teach me and trying to avoid. It was not the estate inheritances they were trying to manipulate. They were just trying to protect me from the possible soul shattering news that neither of my parents ever really gave a dam about me. Being left a few quid goes a long way to show that at least they loved me once upon a time.

Accountants

The accountants have been told by me about the new European Court of Justice gender equality decision within the British Insurance products markets so all I can do is wait and hope they do something before the returns plunge 30% in a few weeks time.

Financial Pride

It was a long hard cold walk back from town today in the drizzling rain but at least it gave me a chance to collect my thoughts. I decided the main blow to your pride when you are diagnosed a mental health patient is the blow to your financial pride. When you are diagnosed what they are really telling you is that you will never earn much money, that you will never get married, and that you will probably never produce any children. Hearing that is a blow to your pride so you begin depression almost immediately.

Cuts

I have axed the private health insurance and all of the institutes apart from the bar and the computer society now. I feel much better for it.